17. Surprised by joy

Montefiascone to Viterbo

‘Surprised by joy‘ is the first line of a beautiful poem by Wordsworth. Amidst his deep grief for the loss of his daughter he finds himself, in unexpected moments, surprised by joy, and his immediate impulse is to share that moment with her. It’s an extraordinary poem and such a testimony to how complex we are as humans and also how resilient. C.S. Lewis used it as the title for one of his books on faith. One of my favourite authors, Louise Penny (who I am reading at the moment) uses it regularly as a reminder of the beauty in the darkness.

It came to me today as we walked from Montefiascone, as even after 300km of walking I had moments of surprised joy. The first was when we found ourselves walking along an ancient Roman road, still paved with the stones that were placed there over 2000 years ago. We both felt an unexpected surge of emotion at such a tangible connection with deep history. It passed through farmland and forests and is still used as a normal thoroughfare for cars, bikes and walkers, and yet still it stands.

The second magic moment was when we stopped to chat to a couple of other pilgrims who were taking photos of the wildflowers (which were amazing today). They have counted over 100 different species so far. That delighted me in itself, but then they asked if we had heard the nightingales. We hadn‘t so we quickly looked up their call, and sure enough, ten minutes later we heard them. Again, a joy that came from nowhere.

Today is mothers’ day in Australia so that was also on my mind. I am lucky enough to have my mum living near me, and being so far away reminded me how important she is to me and what a remarkable mother she is. I have a very special friend who has been acting ’in loco daughter’ while I’m away which is in itself an act of love that surprised me with joy today.

I was never a girl who dreamed of weddings or having babies, and before I had my first child I’m not sure I’d even held a baby! I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to do it, but the moment that baby appeared I had no doubt that until that moment I hadn’t known how to truly love. My three kids are the greatest thing in my life. They have gone on to become wonderful adults and chosen loving partners who make them the best versions of themselves so I could not be happier. Very excitingly my first grandchild is on the way and I am looking forward to seeing the same astonished joy on the faces of my son and daughter-in-law as we experienced.

With so many reminders of joy today I had a chance to reflect again on what I was saying yesterday about becoming a whole person. I realise now that it comes down to being open to learn from your partner and friends but also to sharing your own knowledge, gifts and experience to build each other up. Lifting up those around you while at the same time being aware of the areas where your confidence is vulnerable and asking for help is a beautiful cycle which can only enrich and strengthen. My greatest fear of the next thirty years was that it was going to be just an existence. I now can see endless opportunity for it to be the richest time of our lives. I am surprised by joy.

A mixed joy is we have fewer than 100km to go to the tomb of St Peter which is the end of the pilgrimage. The joy comes from knowing we have come so far, but I think we will be sad when this ends.

Love Marie